Unforgotten Memories
by Midnight9
Summary: Julian wakes up in a mental hospital.
1. Default Chapter

CHAPTER 1  
  
Julian stared around himself in a daze. He was surrounded by white walls, gray ceiling, gray floors. A fluorescent light bulb hummed over his head and a toilet and accessories sat neatly in a corner. A metal bed was bolted to the floor, covered with a bare mattress, which he was sitting on. The walls were soft- just soft enough to keep you from hurting yourself if you ran into them. He was locked in a little white box in the human world and he had no power over anything in it.  
  
When his name had been cut off of the runestave, Julian had been sure that he would slip away and die quietly and never be heard from again. Instead, after he blacked out, he'd awakened to find himself naked in a dark alley in the rain. He had tried desperately to get back to his realm, but his powers wouldn't work. He was stuck, stuck in the wet and cold. And he felt pain. Every part of him ached as though he'd been beaten.  
  
A man had asked him if he needed help with worried eyes after Julian had staggered out of the alley and into the street. Julian had tried to control his mind but the man only hurried away when he muttered the dark power words. He had tried to throw the policemen who confronted him into a wall with his telepathy, only to have them wrestle him to the ground, where they held him until an ambulance arrived. Then he was strapped onto a stretcher and sedated- sedated? He laughed out loud at the very thought. But yes, they had sedated him and he had woken up here, having absolutely no clue what was going on.  
  
After a few hours alone in the white room he began to realize the cruel joke the other Shadow Men had played on him. They hadn't stopped him from existing. They had just changed his state of existence to one that was intolerable to him. He was mortal, alone, with nothing but the white robe he was wearing and the little white room in his name. He was in an insane asylum. The Shadow Men were probably laughing their heads off right about now. They had always told him those cut off the runestave died immediately. The real fate that resulted from such an action was much, much worse.  
  
He tried to think about Jenny- about finding some way to escape so he could find her and explain things. When a man came in and tried to talk to him he stared at the white wall in front of him, picturing Jenny's honey blonde hair and green eyes. He could hear the doctor talking but he didn't listen to anything he said. Then the doctor left and he was alone again. So utterly alone. He realized that even having Tom in the room with him would have been slightly better than this obscure solitude. How could he ever make it in the real world?  
  
The hours ran together and Julian sat on the bed and stared at the wall, reliving his experiences with Jenny over and over again in his head, until a large commotion outside his door brought him to his senses. Having nothing else to do, he shuffled over to the small window in his big metal door and peered into the hallway.  
  
At least four orderlies were trying to drag a girl of about fifteen down the hallway. She was screaming and flailing with all of her might, and Julian couldn't help but smile when she managed to pop one of the men in the face. She suddenly glared at him with wild eyes, and just managed to give him the finger before one orderly got hold of her wrists and two more her ankles and they carried her up the hall like some animal roasting over a fire. She continued to scream and curse so loudly that he could hear her clearly through the metal door, until they finally managed to pull her into her own little white box, from which much booming and muffled shouting came, until things suddenly went quiet. They must have given her a shot.  
  
Another nut being stowed away safely in her little cage, where she couldn't be a nuisance to society. Julian walked slowly back to his bed and laid down, staring at the cold, gray ceiling. He wondered who was paying for him to stay here. He knew it cost an awful lot to keep a person locked up. Maybe the Shadow Men were somehow footing the bill, just to get a good laugh, or maybe it was one of those free places for the especially crazy. Maybe they'd taken a court order out on him in the few hours he'd been asleep. He *had* managed to break a man's arm and another man's leg before the policemen got him on the ground.   
  
Julian started laughing again. "Fear me, mortals!" he shouted, hoping someone outside would hear between his hysterical giggles. "Bow before me and tremble!" The laughter was coming so hard now, he was rolling back and forth. Tears fell out of his eyes and he continued laughing until he fell out of the bed and hit his head on the metal leg. His laughter was immediately cut short and he resumed his position on the white bed, the tears still falling from his eyes. 


	2. Meanderings

CHAPTER 2  
  
A man slowly unbolted Julian's big, metal door and opened it. He was a small man, with greasy black hair and glasses that slid down his nose. Julian stared at him blankly for a few moments before going back to the ceiling. This was the third time someone had brought him food. He must have been in this wretched place for at least two days. He had considered trying to attack one of the doctors that checked on him or one of the people who brought food. He knew about their needles, though. Their drugs and restraints. His body wasn't what it used to be. It was a pointless plan.  
  
He waited until the greasy-haired man was gone to roll out of bed and inspect the food. Eggs and bacon. That's what humans ate for breakfast. Yes, he was on at least his second day. His stomach growled and he gave a grunt of annoyance. The fact that he had to eat irked him to no end. He was not a human. He shouldn't have to do bothersome things like eating and....and using the toilet.  
  
His stomach growled again and he surrendered to his hunger and nibbled on a bacon strip. He thought of how silly he must look to anyone who passed by the little window in his door. He was still wearing the same white robe, and he was now kneeling on the floor slowly eating bacon like some kind of rodent. He felt like blasting someone through a roof. Maybe he *would* attack the next person who opened his door, just for the fun of it.  
  
At least his hunger vanished once he finished off the bacon and stabbed up the eggs with a plastic fork. Why did they even bother with the plastic forks in this place? He could ram one of them into his jugular vein just as easily as he could with a real fork. Why not try, at least? He didn't know what would happen if he killed himself, that was why. Would he die like a normal human, or was he cursed to forever be reborn into a naked embodiment of insanity?  
  
He shoved his tray towards the door and climbed back onto his mattress. He was just about to fall asleep when there was more commotion from outside. He wasn't surprised when he stared through his window and saw that it was that same girl again. Her sedatives had apparently worn off and for some reason she was out in the brightly lit lobby instead of her white box. She was screaming and pointing at one of the nurses and some more nurses were inching towards her, trying to get her to calm down.  
  
The girl had jet black hair, short and choppy, as if she had attacked it with a pair of scissors. She was skinny and tanned, and she possessed such an air of ferocity he wasn't sure if he would want to be in a room alone with her. He walked back to his bed and stared at the ceiling some more. He didn't want to watch the girl be eventually overcome and shoved back to her cell with another sedative. He wanted to remember her just as she was, standing straight and furious, commanding the respect of everyone around her. He wished he could see some of the other patients.  
  
He was starting to memorize all the cracks in his ceiling. He could close his eyes and remember them all, their exact twists and curves. A loud boom in the room next to him for some reason made him think of Jenny again. He realized he hadn't thought about her for several hours. How could he do that? He could barely even remember what she looked like now. He was really going insane. He was going to end up some shell of a being, curled up in a corner chewing on his arm.  
  
He attacked the door in rage at this thought. So what if they gave him a shot. Maybe it would put him out of his misery for a while. He banged on the door as hard as he could, until his fists ached. Why wasn't anybody coming? Why was this door metal? Why were there padded walls and then a metal door he could ram his head into? Finally he could see a doctor coming. This one had already tried to talk to him several times- to no avail.   
  
The doctor calmly spoke through the door.   
  
"Sir, is something bothering you?"  
  
"Oh no, nothing at all. I'm just fine in this padded little cage!" He was glad to hear that his voice still sounded inhuman- like water running over a rock.  
  
"Would you like to talk about it?"  
  
Julian paused. Up until now he hadn't bothered to converse with the likes of these people, despite his loneliness. Now, though, he was getting desperate. "Yeah, I want to talk about it."  
  
"All right." The man unlocked the door and stepped inside the padded cell before it was shut behind him and locked again. Julian sat on the bed and stared at him.  
  
"First of all, why don't we get a name? We never quite figured out what yours was."  
  
"Julian." He should have made something up. But then, seeing how he had many names, it wasn't a definite truth.  
  
"Well, Julian, you've been quite a mystery to the staff here since your arrival."  
  
"What am I in here for?" It was best to play dumb.  
  
"Julian, you were wandering around naked, in the dark, muttering strange words and claiming to have special powers. Not to mention that you seriously injured two policemen before they managed to restrain you."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Julian, a person can be committed to a psychiatric hospital against their will if they are a danger to themselves or others, and you seem to be both."  
  
"So what am I? What are you calling me out there?"  
  
"If you really want to know, we're calling you a paranoid schizophrenic."  
  
Julian burst out laughing. "And you're supposed to help me, right?"   
  
"You don't have to stay in this padded room forever, you know. Most of our patients stay in normal rooms and are able to walk about the ward. If you can demonstrate fairly good behavior, we can get you moved out in a day or two."  
  
Julian turned this over in his mind. Was it better to go insane in his own little room or mix with the other psychos out there, face to face, with no experience of being human?  
  
"I'll think about it."  
  
"That's good to hear. Is there anything you need?"  
  
"Could I have some clothes? This robe is creeping me out."  
  
"I'll see what we can do."  
  
"And that girl down the hall, the one with the black hair, what's she?"  
  
"Between you and me, I really don't know yet. She's a dramatic case."  
  
"Okay. You can leave now."  
  
"All right, Mr- do you have a last name?"  
  
"Julian is fine."  
  
"All right, Julian. I'll be back to check on you later."  
  
"Ok."  
  
The doctor left. Julian wanted to punch himself. He didn't know why he'd talked to anyone, especially about such stupid subjects. Still, he felt some power with knowing- at least what they thought of him. Paranoid schizophrenic? It was easy to see why. Not many people were used to having infinite power at their fingertips. He had been foolish to think he could still wield that power after being cut off the runestave.  
  
So, he could get out of this room if he wanted to, huh? It occurred to him that if he could just act semi-normal he might be able to get out of here altogether. He still didn't want to imagine life as an active human, but the white walls and plastic forks were driving him nuts. If he just played his cards right, he could be out by the end of the week. Maybe he *could* find Jenny. Why couldn't he remember what she looked like? Oh well. He figured he may as well try to get some sleep. He wondered if he would have any dreams now that he was mortal. 


	3. Lies

CHAPTER 3  
  
Okay, I've forgotten to do disclaimers, so here's one: I don't own L.J. Smith or any of her stuff.  
  
Julian woke up suddenly for no reason. It was hard to tell if he had even been asleep, save for the heaviness in his limbs. He sat up on his mattress and discovered a pile of clothes at the end of his bed. He picked them up and inspected them. There was a white shirt and a pair of khaki pants and- to his great amusement- a pair of silk boxers. He threw off the robe and quickly put the clothes on. Not his style at all, but they would have to do.  
  
He couldn't remember dreaming anything. Maybe he had retained a few of his old qualities. His voice sounded the same, and though he had at one point controlled the dreams of others, he had never had one himself. He wondered if he looked the same. His hands and feet looked normal but he had no means of seeing his face. He ran his hands through his hair, which was the same length it had been when he "died." It was just too short to pull a strand of it around to see its color.  
  
Feeling restless, he strolled to his window and stared out into the lobby. The nurse's station was quiet and manned by only a few women with their hair pulled into buns. A large woman was sitting in a green chair near the wall that wasn't occupied by cells for the craziest of patients. She was wearing raggedy clothes and a large, orange bag sat at her feet. She didn't move for the longest time and Julian got bored with her and went back to his bed.  
  
Since he had nothing else to do, he began to plan out what he would say to the doctor when he came in again. They obviously wouldn't believe that he was a Shadow Man sent there by his evil, magical elders. He was going to have to make something up. Some reason for his bizarre behavior. He was about halfway through an entire conversation when the doctor did come in again.  
  
He knocked first. "What?" Julian grunted.  
  
"Mr. Julian, would you like to talk this evening?"  
  
"Yeah, whatever." He figured he'd gotten far enough to pull this phase of getting out of the white box off.  
  
The doctor unbolted the big door and came in. He was tall, with dark hair and glasses, but he didn't look anything like the greasy man who'd given him food. His hair was neatly combed and he had a moustache and long sideburns. His glasses had thin frames that made him look sophisticated. "All right, Julian. Where should we begin?"  
  
"I don't know. You're the doctor."  
  
"All right. Why don't you tell me some things about yourself? About your life?"  
  
"They made me do it."  
  
"Who made you do what?"  
  
"The demons. They made me act weird. It's....been happening since I was little, just not as bad."  
  
"Do you see demons, Julian?"  
  
"No, but I hear them. They talk to me all the time. They tell me to do weird things and say they'll hurt my friends if I don't." As if he had any friends now.  
  
"Indeed," the doctor scribbled on a clipboard he was carrying.  
  
Julian paused, his wheels turning. "I don't hear them much in here." he began, wondering if this would work. "I don't think they like this place. It scares them."  
  
"How interesting." The doctor scribbled some more. "Julian, were you abused as a child?"  
  
Julian pulled a long, painful silence. "Well, Dad used to get mad sometimes....he's dead now, though, that moron."  
  
"Have your parents ever taken you to get help for your behavior before?"  
  
"Nah, they don't care. Dad was never around and Mom was too busy cleaning to notice me much."  
  
"Cleaning?"  
  
"Yeah. She scrubs stuff down all the time. Has this thing about germs."  
  
"I see." More scribbling.  
  
"Can I have some food? I'm hungry."  
  
"It will be dinner time soon. You did miss lunch. You were sleeping for the first time in two days and they didn't want to wake you."  
  
"Really. It's really boring in here."  
  
"We're working on that, Julian, I promise you."  
  
At that moment screaming erupted from down the hall. "Oh, dear." The doctor ran a hand through his hair. "Ms. Wayne must be angry again. She can get so mad for no reason at all."  
  
"Is that the black-haired chick?"  
  
"Yes, yes it is. Well, Mr. Julian, I suppose I'd better go straighten things out down the hall. I'll be back to see you in the morning."  
  
"Okay."   
  
The doctor hurried out of the room, obviously rushing towards Ms. Wayne's most recent outburst. That girl just didn't give up. She obviously didn't know how to play her cards. It was horrible, kissing up to humans and pretending to be submissive and eager for help- but it seemed to work. She would never get anywhere if she kept screaming like that- and banging on the door, as he could hear her doing.  
  
He walked over to his window to see if he could catch a glimpse of the girl again- if maybe she would end up back in the hallway, screaming at the nurses like she had earlier. No such luck. The screaming continued for several more minutes and then slowly dribbled to a stop. He hoped they hadn't given her a shot. He remembered the shot they'd given him when they loaded him into the ambulance. It hadn't felt very good.  
  
Julian walked back to his bed and took up his favorite hobby of staring at the ceiling. Maybe tomorrow they would let him out. He hoped so. 


	4. Group

CHAPTER 4  
  
"Okay, Julie! We're getting you out of here!"  
  
"Did you just call me Julie?" Julian glared at the cheerful woman standing in his doorway.  
  
"Oh, sorry, Sweetie. Come on, get your stuff together. Dr. Moore says it's okay to move you to the A ward today."  
  
"I don't have any stuff." There was nothing in the room Julian could really take with him, unless he was supposed to bring his own toilet.  
  
"All right then. Let's go!" The woman held the door open for him and he could hardly believe he was finally getting out of the white box, just like that.  
  
Cautiously Julian stepped out into the bright lobby. One of the nurses smiled at him. Besides the nurses, nobody was around. It creeped him out thinking about how there were crazy people behind all the metal doors, though. He felt like skipping through the halls, but he managed to retain his joy and follow the woman up the hall.  
  
Besides a few people banging on their doors when he walked by, the journey to the A ward was uneventful. The nurse unlocked one set of doors, then locked that set and unlocked another set and they were in a completely different place. The walls were purple and white and there was carpet on the floor. Wooden doors lined the hall they were in, and some had signs with things like "Jeanie's Room" written on them. The nurse led him up the hall and into an open lobby.  
  
"Is this our newbie?" A large woman at the desk gave him a toothy grin.  
  
"Yeah, May. Fresh out of the D ward."  
  
"Why doesn't he join group? They're having one right now. You can show him his room, too, Amy."  
  
"That's not a bad idea," Amy said. "Come on, Julie. I'll show you your room."  
  
Julian decided that killing the nurse for calling him Julie wouldn't help his progress, so he restrained himself from tackling her. She brought him to a door with a Metallica poster taped to the outside and knocked. No one answered.  
  
"Brent must be in group." Amy opened the door and motioned for Julian to come inside. He found himself in a small room with two beds lined against one purple wall. One bed had a mass of black blankets piled all over it. The other bed was bare. Two small desks sat against the other wall and there was a restroom with a *door* near the entrance of the room.  
  
"I'll get May to get you some sheets and things later. Brent has multiple personalities, but none of them are too violent so he shouldn't give you much trouble. Now, let's see if we can get you in group."  
  
Julian wasn't really in the mood to associate with a bunch of lunatics, but Amy was already pulling him out the door and into the hall. She led him to a room with large, glass windows and a glass door, letting him see the group of kids sitting inside. Amy knocked on the door and opened it.  
  
"Sheila, this is Julian, our newcomer in ward A. Do you think he could sit in group for a little while?"  
  
"Sure!" Sheila was short and blonde, and her smile was so bright it was almost blinding. "Come on in, Julian!"  
  
Julian reluctantly walked into the room, suddenly having the urge to go on a mass killing spree.   
  
"You can sit over there next to Mitchell," Sheila said, pointing to an empty chair.  
  
"He's gay!" a girl with short, red hair shouted as he made his way to his seat.  
  
"Amanda thinks everyone and everything is gay." a boy with long, blonde hair said as he sat down. "I'm Mitchell."  
  
"Julian." Julian didn't look at Mitchell.   
  
"We were just in the middle of discussing Shelby's family life, Julian. Perhaps we should introduce everyone before we continue." Groans echoed throughout the room. "Everyone say your name, your age and why you're here. We'll start with Brian."  
  
"I'm Brian," a boy with sandy hair said, looking at Julian. "I'm fourteen and I'm here for depression."  
  
"I'm Brent" a Mexican boy said next. "I'm sixteen and I'm here for....um....multiple personality disorder. My other personalities are John and Wayne. Maybe you'll meet them sometime." Several people in the group giggled.  
  
Mitchell was next. "I'm Mitchell. I'm fifteen and I'm here for manic depressive disorder."  
  
Everyone stared at Julian. "Uh- I'm Julian. I'm um....seventeen and I'm here for.... paranoid schizophrenia." Most of the people in the group continued to stare at him for several minutes before the red-haired girl spoke.  
  
"I'm Amanda. I'm fourteen and I'm here for doing waaaaaay too many drugs."  
  
A very skinny black girl went next. "I'm Shelby. I'm seventeen and I'm here for an eating disorder."  
  
The last member of the group was a tiny girl with long, black hair and almond eyes. "I'm Kelsen." she said very quietly. "I'm thirteen and I'm here because I tried to kill myself."  
  
"Very good!" Sheila gave another blinding smile. "Well, we're about out of time today, so let's just call it quits here. Shelby, we'll get back to your problem tomorrow. Everyone can go to your rooms for quiet time."  
  
Julian walked slowly out of the glass room, wondering if he should of come out of his white box after all. 


	5. Irony

CHAPTER 5  
  
Everyone filed out of the group room and Julian had nowhere to go but his new, unpadded room. He quickly made his way over to the door and slipped inside, hoping nobody tried to talk to him. He jumped when he saw the Mexican boy already sitting on his bed. His name was Brian, wasn't it? Brandon? Brent- it was Brent.  
  
"Hey." Brent had a friendly smile on his face. Julian didn't answer and sat down on his bed. "You don't seem too crazy." Brent continued, still smiling.   
  
"I'm not crazy." Julian got up off his bed and went into the bathroom. To his satisfaction there was a square mirror on the wall. He took a deep breath and stepped in front of the square to see- someone almost like himself. Instead of white his hair was pale blonde and his eyes were a less powerful shade of blue. Other than that he looked the same. He sighed with relief, though he missed the features that had made him look immortal.  
  
"I bet you're wondering what on earth's wrong with me." Brent just wasn't giving up.  
  
"How many of you are in there?" Julian gave up trying to ignore him and sat back down on his bed.  
  
"Just two others."  
  
"Don't you have to be abused to get that way?"  
  
Brent's face went from bright and happy to dark and serious. A frown pulled at the corners of his mouth and suddenly, his voice was different- deeper. "Brent can't talk about his past. He's too weak and scared. You were an idiot for asking him, though. Honestly, have some common sense. Yes, Brent was abused terribly. His father beat him all the time and once he threw him in a pit in the woods and just left him there for three days."  
  
"Oh." Julian didn't feel much sympathy for Brent or for whoever it was sitting in front of him.  
  
"There's something wrong about you, you know that? You don't belong here. I don't think you belong anywhere."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Are you sure you're not here for suicide? I don't see how you keep from...."  
  
"SHUT UP!" It was a good thing Julian had no powers or Brent would be a pile of ashes on the floor. Suddenly Brent's eyes went wide and he sucked in a breath.  
  
"S-sorry." The real Brent was back. "I guess Wayne took over. They do it all the time without warning me."  
  
"Whatever." Julian was starting to feel very grouchy.  
  
"Hey, it's time for lunch." Brent was staring at a clock on the wall. "Let's go get in line."  
  
Julian would have much rather skipped lunch and stared at his new ceiling but a nurse stuck her head in the door and ordered them out. Grudgingly he followed Brent to a line near another locked door, where most of the other kids on the ward were queried.  
  
"Gaywad." Amanda started giggling as though she'd said something hilarious.  
  
"Just ignore Amanda."  
  
"Quiet, MP3! I see you looking at other guys all the time."  
  
"Oh, yup, I'm sooooo gay!" Brent waved his hand in the air in a girly way and raised his voice. "Come'ere Julian! Let me give you a big ol' kiss!"  
  
"Get away from me."  
  
Everyone in the line was giggling madly now, and a large black man walked down the hall with the keys to open the door. Once they got out of the A ward everyone trooped down a flight of stairs and waited for the man to unlock another set of doors. After that Julian followed everyone else to the cafeteria, a large room with blue walls that was lined with tables and chairs. A serving line stood on one side of the room and everyone lined up in front of it unevenly, somewhat like a herd of cattle.  
  
Julian stared in disgust as the serving woman plopped some turkey and dressing on his plate and shoved it at him. He figured he'd better get some mashed potatoes, too, or they would start saying he had an eating disorder.  
  
"Come sit with us!" Brent was all smiles again and he motioned for Julian to follow him to a table on the left side of the room. Amanda, Shelby, Kelsen and Mitchell were already sitting down, most of them picking at their food. Shelby just stared at her tray, looking horrified at the thought of eating.  
  
"Hey." Mitchell was the only one who made any effort to acknowledge their existence.  
  
"Hey." Brent gave Mitchell one of his big smiles. Julian said nothing. After several moments of eating in silence, Kelsen raised her dark head and stared at him.  
  
"So, what did you do?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What'd you do to get in here? Talk to yourself in public? Throw your shoes at people?"  
  
Julian took a deep breath. "I attacked a bunch of policemen butt naked in the rain."  
  
Kelsen stared at him for several minutes and then smiled. Mitchell started laughing. Pretty soon he was laughing so hysterically that a nurse had to come over and escort him back up to his room. Julian felt like breaking something. How could he even survive a few more hours in this crazy place, much less days or months? He should have just made something up.  
  
Soon lunch was over and they were going back to their locked up little ward. It was apparently TV time, as nearly everyone crammed back into the glass room, turned out the lights and stared up at the small TV in the corner.  
  
"Mrs. Kana, tell them I get to pick the movie today!" Amanda stuck her head out of the room.  
  
"Mitchell already picked the movie yesterday, Amanda."  
  
"But Mitchell isn't even here!" Amanda whined.  
  
"IT'S TRASH!" Mitchell was standing in his door across the hall. "How can you all rot your brains out like that?"  
  
"Please go back into your room, Mitchell." Mitchell frowned and slammed his door shut.  
  
In the end they watched *Girl, Interrupted,* which was a movie about a bunch of girls in a nuthouse in the sixties. It was so ironic that Julian just about cried. 


End file.
